First I’d like to apologize for the radio silence for the past few weeks.
So. This is a bit awkward for me.
I posted an update to Facebook – the other day, but I wanted to elaborate more here.
I wish I could say that the above moment has passed, but it hasn’t.
This is particularly difficult for me – because I don’t know how to verbalize:
- What ‘s wrong
- What I’m doing
- How I feel right now
Those questions fill me with a sense of panic and dread… which confuses me.
It’s like I’m a ball of yarn that’s almost entirely comprised of knots.
Ordinarily, if someone hands you a ball of yarn – you either:
- Start at the top and work your way to each knot .. and unravel
- Cut out the knots
- Find the start of the ball and guide the starting piece through each knot
The final point is what I’m currently trying to do..
with my entire life.
Because if someone asked me, well, – ANYTHING particularly insightful about my internal motivations or reactions... (which really doesn’t happen that often, but why not be prepared)
I don’t think I would be able to answer. Either it’s because of something that I’ve always done, or maybe it’s abnormal and somewhere my brain knows that, and is panicking.
I’ve always been open to a dialogue, and for creating discourse with others about a variety of topics.
But I’m at a bit of a crossroads – I think I’ve compromised my ability to bring 100% care and effectiveness to various relationships in life.
I’m spinning my wheels.
Typically, I would ask for help when something like this starts.
I think that’s not the best thing for me to do right now.
Asking for help is a good thing, BUT I do it so often.
I love helping people. I like to involve others with my affairs. However, it can be a massive detriment to my overall identity.
The problem is -- if I asked you a question about something that I was dealing with – there’s a high chance that I haven’t asked myself why I’m asking you.
People ask questions when they are looking for clarification, education or information.
Asking someone else a question about YOURSELF too often doesn’t make sense.
As a result, I’m gathering a lot of information that I don‘t know what to do with—because I don’t know why I needed it, and I confuse myself.
I know this is really vague – and I’m sorry. – It’s almost impossible for me to apply specifics to this because I haven’t figured out what I’m doing yet.
Like I said, this is a difficult to express.
I’ve been trying to write – and keep things as scheduled (which,is hilarious because I can never stick to a schedule)
Nothing has felt right.
But these thoughts are constantly nagging me:
- Why did you choose the words you chose?
- Why did you decide to do this today?
- Why is this important?
Another is, “Why does this statement bother you?”
Typically, when one faces a stressful emotional situation – they have “protectors” like anger to cover the more vulnerable emotions like fear and uncertainty. H taught me that.
It’s kind of terrifying when I realized I don’t know why I do things-- because “just because” isn’t enough sometimes. People have convictions, goals, and thoughts that are formed from the moment they are born.
I definitely don’t think I’ll be able to unravel this yarn by myself…
BUT I need to start. I need to prioritize, and I need to define things EXPLICITLY for me.
@@Remember: there isn’t anyone else that can pinpoint the epicenter of your morals.@@
This is something that I’ve always wanted to do.
So I’m going to work through it, and I’m going to take notes.
This isn’t a goodbye, or anything, and I apologize if it’s as nonsensical as I think it sounds.
I guess my declaration for now is:
involuntarySASS is currently undergoing host maintenance. Diagnostics are being checked :)
I probably won’t be able to answer any questions right now, but I think it’ll make a hell of a story when (if) I finish.
I’ll see you on the other side.
PS: Let me know what your Myer-Briggs personality type is! LINK HERE.
I’m an ENFP-T.
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